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The Marriage Map:
What is the key to a long lasting and loving
marriage? A common love for sailing, that's obvious! Okay, now that
the obvious is out of the way, what is it about relationships that society has
difficulty getting right? What if I told you that life has stages?
So do marriages. In fact the stages of a marriage as predictable as the
stages of life. The knowledge that they are predictable better prepares us
to handle the turbulent waters while crossing the great sea of life. Marriages
progress through five stages.
Stage One: I Can't Get Enough Of
You!
You are head over heals for each other. You'd cancel an all expenses
paid free sailing trip to Bora Bora just to be with that special one
you've married. You focus more on the comfort you each give and
receive and overlook your differences. The moment is more important
than the future. At no other time will your physical desire for each
other be more intense. Without further details, let's call this stage the
"State of Euphoria", where no sailor can put asunder what god
has brought together.
The sea gods advise that you enjoy the magic of this moment yet recognize
that the euphoria won't last forever. Sometimes just knowing that
the warm windy days that are so great for sailing don't last forever, can
spoil the moment. Don't let it! Cherish each moment of the
ideal conditions, but when it starts to fade, don't panic. The boat
is not sinking, only offering a chance for different experiences.
Infatuation over your soul mate is not the glue that holds a marriage
together. The same is true of sailing. Once the heart pounding
thrill has subsided you can gain appreciation for the relationship on a
whole new plane!
Stage Two: I Can't Get Away From You!
The reality of storms at sea are no longer escapable. The tiny ship is
tossed and the rough seas never ending. Differences in interest,
perspectives, personality and habits glare boldly as the morning sun on
that one day a week you wanted to sleep late! Adding storm clouds to
the horizon, the physical energy you once shared together seems hopelessly
lost. Suddenly you question the wisdom of your union and the fate of
your future together as you debate the issues of starting a family and
financial planning, or whether to run for the nearest harbor to seek
protection from the forthcoming storm of uncertainty.
The sea gods advise that disagreements are as
inevitable as the falling tides. Some groundings take longer to resolve
than others, but there are two sides to every tide. Focus on the upside
and develop conflict-resolution skills for the downside. Stay
connected by spending time together and avoid the tendency to avoid each
other when issues to arise. A good crew works together through the
storms so that they can ride the tides of good winds as a united team to
share the fruits of their labors. Running in opposite directions in the
face of every conflict and failing to communicate will surely doom the
ship to disaster in short order. This is not a good time to ignore
the physical aspects of your relationship when healing the psychological
ones. The physical bonding is the chemistry that helps the mind and
heart heal. It is the physical aspects of a good sailing ship that give it
heart and soul. Many times it's the physical aspects to which we have the
greatest control . The rest are elusive feelings and beliefs that are
harder to put a hand on.
Stage Three: You First, Not Me!
When a boat displays a tendency to under perform, it's always the ship,
and never the Captain. The ship is the one that must change, never
the crew. As in relationships, when this change is clearly never going to
occur, many face a fork in the river. Some abandon ship leaving
their mate and ship behind as they forge in a new direction. Some
ride out the turbulent waters because of religious convictions, personal
values or concern for others they've brought into this union and certainly
there are financial implications. Some that stay together but
continue to wait for changes to occur may resign themselves to unhappy
unions. Others may seek out more satisfying possibilities that lack
the depth and finality of commitment.
The sea gods advise that both mates take a
"Reality Check". There are always sunny days, but they
will always be surrounded by less desirable conditions on both sides. In
the face of violent weather, seek professional guidance. There is a sense
of accomplishment and bonding between mates that weather both the good and
bad times together. It is the element that differentiates committed
relationships from those that lack depth and closeness. Just
remember that it is the bad sailing days in life that makes us appreciate
those that are really wonderful. Otherwise it would all be taken for
granted and never valued for the richness the variety provides in our
relationship.
Stage Four: You Are Who You Are, But I Am
Who I Am Too!
Not all ships are the fastest, sleekest, most worldly traveled, or
admired. Take a clue, if they were, you'd probably never be able to
afford one! You're not the richest person in the world yourself, in
case you've not taken inventory lately. At this stage mates accept the
imperfections in each other, as one would the quirks of a mighty ship at
sea. They have discovered the limits and nuances of their co-existence
and have learned to maximize the areas of greatest compatibility, seldom
straying into the murky waters that exceed the range of their
abilities. Mates become far more forgiving and acknowledge their own
short comings and difficulties to live with. Conflicts become less
frequent and less intense. Mates finally begin to understand that
the "Bad" is the price of the "Good" and that
the two are inseparable.
The sea gods advise that you have now achieved a
peaceful place in the waters. Without the becalmed days, there will not
come those days with good wind. You now have come to know this as a
truth. You must not become complacent. The seas could turn at
a moment's notice. Continue to spend time together in common
pursuits, such as sailing. Sailing affords private opportunities to
talk and touch and stay connected without the distractions of life in the
city or around the house. It is a mini "Time Out" vacation
for the two of you that can last from a few hours to a month or
more.
Stage Five: We Have A Past.
Many fine ships have many owners. Some are still enjoyed and cared
for my the original masters. They have a shared history and sense of
accomplishment, together. They appreciate rather than feel
threatened by their differences. They have seen others added to their crew
that have blossomed and journeyed out on their own in search of their own destinies.
Mates in this stage feel relaxed and comfortable together. They have
miles of travels behind them that they have shared together. They
have walked the same walks and journeyed the same journeys and survived
the same perils of life, together. Mates begin to connect on a
totally different plateau that is above the trivialities of every day
life. Few survive the journey of life to emerge with the same
companion. It is a rare and treasured stage to achieve. It is
it's own best reward, but not one with short cuts or bypasses to achieve.
They really have become "Soul Mates" or sailors on the same
sea.
The sea gods advise that a focus on continued
health and active lifestyles is essential. A lifetime of sailing and
other vigorous activities and recreations will ensure this space in time
to enjoy the fruits of your life long efforts.
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